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Get Tech Savvy! Just because your grandchildren aren't reaching out to you doesn't mean they don't want to be in touch. Those once-a-year visits or phone calls aren't enough – they need you in their lives. But Grandma must learn to text! Yes, I’m sorry, I know we’ve barely learned how to use our cell phones. But I can personally testify: texting gets a response like nothing else. Yes you can Send Letters: Don't limit yourself to just the phone or Internet. Every child loves to have his mailbox turned into a treasure chest, whether he lives next door or across the world. It doesn't matter what you send him, just send something often. For her own grandchildren, one writer keeps things simple by sending funny postcards or pages copied from magazines or even coloring books. Plus, she gives her kids stamps and printed return labels, making it extra easy to send letters to her in return. (This sounds nice, but as the kids get older – texting is what works – unless of course occasionally there is money in that envelope. ) Take Care Of Yourself: “One set of my grandparents walk regularly and are in great shape. The others don't and are practically immobile," says Nicole. "It's been so sad for us to watch them deteriorate." Your grandkids want you to make an effort to be healthy so that you can stick around for years to come. The better your health, the more quality time you will have to spend with your grandkids, and to watch them grow from children to adults. Now, isn’t that worth a little self-care? Share More: "My grandparents were really old-fashioned and didn't spend a ton of time with me or my brother," says Alexandra. "They had really interesting lives, but other than the occasional lecture about money, they didn't share much about themselves. I wish they'd told me more about their childhoods, the war and the depression, about meeting and falling in love and, as I got older, even some of the wild times they had. It would have been nice to get to know them as people instead of just the old folks who we had early dinners with once in a while." Involve Younger Kids: While older grandchildren may be a more receptive audience for stories about your past, involving youngsters is also crucial—especially if you don't want certain family tales to be forgotten or misunderstood. Tell stories about yourself when you were their age so they can relate. The more you connect the stories to what is happening in their lives, the better. Photos add interest to the story – but don’t overwhelm them as you stroll down memory lane. Don't Play Favorites: "In my grandmother's eyes, my brother John could do no wrong," says Melinda. "She was always curious about his hobbies, friends and schoolwork; she hardly asked me anything about my life." Each child is an individual and some are easier or more likable than others; that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. So set aside some alone time with each grandkid whenever possible to find out what is meaningful and important to them by asking open-ended questions. “What’s the worst thing that happened to you this week?” “The best?” Expand Your Views: Your grandchildren know that you were raised in a different era and may have different views on politics and lifestyle choices, but some of your opinions may make them uncomfortable. "I wish I could tell my grandmother that being single over the age of 25 does not make you an old maid," says Nicole. While no one expects you to overhaul your entire belief system, expanding your view of what's acceptable can only bring you closer to your grandchildren. Avoid being Judgmental: We must accept that times change and not impose our generations' values on our children. One way to do this is to share your opinions with humor rather than in a correcting tone, as in Can you believe that in our day we thought…? Ask questions about what they think, so you can contrast it with your own thoughts in a non-judgmental, neutral way. These can be teaching moments, as well as opportunities for children to figure out their own sets of beliefs. Don't Hold Grudges: Tension within a family is awkward at best and traumatizing at worst. No one likes to watch drama unfold repeatedly. Whatever disagreements between you and your children, fix it. Yes, fix it. Life is too short to carry grudges. Do you really want the next generation and the next to remember you as “those horrible people” or worse not remember you at all? My goodness children are the best reason to mend fences. If things are just too awful and you can’t do it alone, then get yourself to a counselor or life coach to help figure out some strategies to fix things. You may not be able to forgive your child, but you must reach out to the grandchildren, they deserve to have you in their lives, really. Do it - Now. Side Bar: I worked in a Probate practice for years. So often folks would bemoan how alone they felt and wondered why no one seemed to care about them. Then, when we handled their Estate, we would find copies of cards and letters saying things like “I’ll never get over that awful man you married.” Or “Don’t ask for my advice if you won’t follow it.” Now, really, do you wonder why they aged alone? Puleeeze. RTM Take An Interest: Your grandkids know that you love them, but taking a genuine interest in the things that they get excited about will help create an even stronger bond. Admittedly, it can be tough to carry on a conversation with shy toddlers or aloof teens. However, there are ways to foster healthy communication between the generations. "When you talk to kids, ask open-ended questions. Instead of saying, 'Did you like the trip to the zoo?' say, 'What was your favorite part of the zoo?'" This will give them an opportunity to be more communicative and let you into their world. Believe me, I’ve played my share of Angry Birds or Mario Carts! No Checks, Please: Checks are generous but young kids don't really know the value of what they're getting, and older kids start to feel unimportant if they always only receive money as a gift. Give the little guys traditional toys like books, blocks, trucks, and dolls or something they recognize like Elmo or Dora. For teens combine money with a gift that relates to an interest of theirs. You can always pass along something of sentimental value, and open the door to discussion about your own childhood—a great way to bond with your grandkids. ARE YOU GETTING EYEROLLS? Privacy: “I hate that my parents don’t give me any personal space,” says Eleanor, 14. Even if your children share a room, give each child an area that’s off-limits to everyone else in the family (including you), such as a desk or a spare closet. To show that you respect your teen’s privacy, don’t rummage through her personal space unless you have a concrete reason to believe that she’s lying to you or hiding something serious. Respect: Respect your children enough to tell them the truth even when it is uncomfortable. Example: “No you can’t spend the night at Amber’s house. … Because I don’t want to drive you. … Because you won’t get any sleep … OK – the truth is I don’t want you to spend the night at Amber’s house because I believe her parents are into drugs and that it is unsafe for you to be there. I love you and want you to be safe. How about asking Amber to spend the night here.” Listen: “I want to tell my mom and dad everything,” says Kevin, 13, “but I don’t want to listen to them nag.” Understand that sometimes your kids just want a sounding board, they don’t want advice. When your son complains that his science teacher is being unfair or his soccer coach has been extra-hard on him, encourage him to talk by asking open-ended questions. Don’t jump in with advice or threaten to intervene. She Hides Dates: “I didn’t tell my parents about a guy I dated for a year, because they didn’t allow me to have boyfriends,” says Marla, 15. “They knew we hung out, but I’d say, ‘Oh, we’re just friends.’” Instead of forcing your daughter to sneak around, let her start with group dates, where at least four other kids are with her and her date at all times. Eventually you may ask “was there anyone special there you liked?” He Hides Grades: “I don’t tell my parents when I get a bad grade because I don’t want to listen to them tell me how I’ve let them down,” says Sam, 16, who says he occasionally fails a quiz but usually makes up for it with better exam scores. If your child feels like he can vent to you about bombing a quiz or a book report, you won’t have to wait until the end of a semester to find out he’s struggling in school. They Hate The Sex Talk: Teens don’t want to talk about sex with you, it’s just too gross. Teens are having sex at a much earlier age than you ever thought about it. They will deny they are having sex because they define “having sex” differently than you do. But it is your responsibility to educate your teen about birth control and preventing STDs – think of it as a health and safety issue. Don’t press for details and only offer advice if he or she asks. Better yet bring in a professional. If your teen needed dental care, you’d visit a dentist, right? You know your teen can visit Planned Parenthood on their own, right? Wouldn’t it be so much smarter if you talked with your teen at age 14 – no later - and offered to make the appointment, went with them, and then stayed in the waiting- room. When you make the appointment, just say it is for educational purposes only for your teen. I fidgeted in the waiting room until my teen came out and brought me into the meeting RTM Comparisons: “When my little brother swears or picks a fight with me or my older brother, my parents say, ‘He’s only 7. He doesn’t know any better,’ says Henry, 13. “But when I was his age, I would have been in big trouble for swearing.” While it’s natural to become more lax as you have more children, it’s important to consider each unique situation, not just your children's ages. You may some ‘splaining to do with your older kids about why this is happening – you can also claim “you wore me down” and smile. Choose Your Battles: “It makes me sad when my mom screams at me when I’m already down,” says Erin, 17. When you’re upset, before you say a word, take 10 deep breaths. These few minutes can give you perspective (is it really worth it to blow up cool over dirty laundry?) Take the time to evaluate your child’s mood. Perhaps she’s ignored the laundry because she’s stressed about school or antsy about a boy who hasn’t called her back. Teens don’t get a pass on bad behavior, but they are fragile and deserve a little handling with care. It will pass and you will either have a relationship with them or you won’t, your choice. Hiding the Truth: “Sometimes I don’t come home because I’m too drunk to drive,” says Aaron, 19. “If I told my parents that, they’d flip out, so I lie.” While it would be irresponsible to give underage drinking the green light, you don’t want your child to be in an unsafe situation because he’s rushing to be home on time. If your child calls and says he needs help, just go get him. Save your questions for the morning. Using Age as an Excuse: “I can’t stand it when my parents say, ‘You’re 17. Act like a grownup,’ and then turn around and say, ‘You’re not old enough to do that. You’re only 17,’ ” says Izzy. “Which is it? Make up your mind!” Give your child hard-and-fast rules that aren’t dependent on a number. (“Visiting friends at college isn’t allowed until you’re in college yourself.”) Trust: “My parents don’t trust that I don’t do drugs,” says Steven, 15. “And I really hate that they believe what other people tell them instead of what I tell them.” Constantly accusing your kids of this or that — especially if your accusations are unfounded — breeds mistrust. Trust your kids until they give you a real reason not to. Having said all of the above, remember to just enjoy them. Childhood is short but sets the tone for the rest of your lives together. When all else fails – just plaster a smile on your face and remember that you do love them. RTM |
