SERIAL RELATIONSHIPS …Looking for ideal love, over and over and over again… You probably know at least one person who always has a significant other, even right after a breakup or loss. Leaping from one exclusive relationship to the next—has become a popular and accepted dating trend. Why? According to Psychology Today, serial monogamists usually believe in some kind of ideal love and in the importance of commitment to one partner, but they also keep a safe distance from the idea that true love should happen only once in a lifetime. For many people being in a relationship seems automatic, like brewing a morning cup of coffee or sitting down to dinner every night; something they must have, easily and quickly. How do some of us manage meaningful long-term relationships, while others run away screaming after one strike out? What’s wrong with a little casual dating and enjoying some alone time before starting the next relationship? Traditional Monogamy isn’t the most common arrangement. Apparently there is evidence showing that lifelong romantic partnerships have only existed in a handful of civilizations. Evolution and biology seem to indicate that lifelong monogamy is not the human norm. However, humans are incredibly flexible in terms of relationship lifestyles and that makes us unusual in comparison to other mammals. Perhaps our desire to live this way allows us to overcome biology. But it’s not easy. Despite the fact that we're not naturally monogamous, there does seem to be something within us that seeks the companionship and stability of a one-on-one commitment. Monogamy seems to be a compromise between our fantastical happily-ever-after expectations and our evolutionary tendencies to mate whoever, wherever, and whenever we can. Serial monogamy is characterized by living in some degree of a dream environment where people behave as if the relationship is everlasting - and they really hope that it will be - even though it's almost always for a limited time. It somehow feels safer to be in a relationship, even if it doesn't actually last until death. So we go after that ideal with our attempts at long-term relationships. Serial monogamy is a happy medium: we don’t reject the idea of a monogamous relationship altogether, but we're also not entering into a tricky-to-maintain lifelong commitment. So one foot in and one foot out – how does that sound? All the above is seems like a pretty intellectual explanation on why we seek relationships. I suspect that serial relationships are usually prompted by fear of being alone. We all have that co-dependent friend who just can't stand being single. She dumps Jim to date Pedro, and then ends things with him a few months later because she realizes she actually wants to be dating Gabby. After Gabby breaks her heart she starts things up with Jim again, and the circle continues with new characters and the same dialogue. Sometimes jumping right into a new relationship is a quick way to be distracted from loneliness, or questioning our desires and ourselves. The urban dictionary defines serial monogamy as spending as little time as possible being single, moving on to a new relationship as quickly as possible after the demise of an old one. Limiting the single period helps avoid asking any questions of an existential nature. Many relationship addicts accept this true, and value themselves on how much other people love and are attracted to them. If they are not in a relationship, there assume that there must be something wrong with them that makes people not be attracted to them. So, insecurity can be one reason to jump into relationships. Sometimes there are unintended consequences: The current economic situation is tightening many couple’s budgets and may also be keeping them together for better or for worse. Divorce rates have dropped and marriage rates have dropped, but infidelity seems to be on the rise. People feel trapped and stressed. They can’t quickly solve their problems – lost or reduced income – and their marriages are not strong enough to help through the pain. So they seek relief outside the partnership. People stay together but fuss and fume every minute becoming more resentful every day. Staying in a relationship during tough times has been made even more difficult with texting and sexting becoming an accepted “safe” way to flirt. Social media plays a big role in relationships now, making it easy to pretend nothing is going on. The Internet offers an unlimited variety of distractions from a struggling marriage, so the charade continues. Sometimes we just want something more. Maybe we want the financial help a partner could bring, or maybe we’ve got a child who would benefit from another loving adult in the household. Maybe we’re just bored and want something new and exciting in our lives; or looking for romance (Kate & Prince Charles or Brad & Angelina) All perfectly reasonable thoughts that bring us to marriage. But are they GOOD reasons to marry? The 2010 Census data was released in May 2011 and we learned that for the first time in modern history, there are now more non-married people in the United States than married ones, choosing to live together (some with no plans to wed). The formality of marriage appears to be taking a backseat to simply creating a happy, stable relationship. Relationship success starts with finding the style of relationship that feels natural for us. Knowing ourselves is the secret to healthy, long term relationships. What do you NEED from a relationship: housemate, trustworthy listener, financial partner, reliable companion, sex only partner, parenting partner, friend so you are never alone, friend with benefits, social companion, to take care of someone else (dominate), someone to take care of you (subjugate), perhaps you need someone else to make you feel worthy. Make your own list, what do you need? Multiple relationships help us figure out who we are. Some partners bring out our romantic side, others an adventurous streak; and others some not-so-pretty characteristics. Serial lovers get to express and explore different components of their personalities with each relationship. Even though I’ve left the guys behind, I’ve learned something important about myself in each relationship. That’s what motivates me to go out and try it again. In politics, our country rallies for change because it appeals to our understanding of the power that change can have on our lives—and this goes for relationships too. INCREASE RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS Date for the right reasons. Relationships are pretty demanding. There is no shortage of partners, just a shortage of knowing what you need, recognizing it when you see it, and going after it. Again, what exactly do you need in a partner? Make yourself uncomfortable. It takes time to develop relationships. Talk a lot, do a lot, try new experiences - observe behavior and don’t just listen to someone’s words. New experiences mean new people and new people means the opportunity to meet people who are different than those you’ve dated in the past. Attend an art gallery opening, join a running club—do something out of the ordinary. Stop dating the same losers because you keep meeting them in similar environments. Switch it up and the results will be different. Get over the shoulds and musts. Figure out what YOU really want not your mother, your siblings, your friends, etc. Just because you graduated from Harvard Law School and you’re on the partner track at a prestigious firm—doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want a family. You do have to make choices, you cannot do it all at the same time. Take pride in your accomplishments but it is important not to let them define you completely. Humans are complex with competing needs and desires. Success means understanding YOUR OWN NEEDS first. Identify and prioritize them and then set a path toward achieving them. Keep in mind that everything is subject to change; not whimsy, but real changes in circumstances. For instance you want a career and a family: you’ll need education to get a career but you also want to have your children during the optimal child bearing years. You want to retire early and travel, but you also need to be financially prepared for retirement. Life is a series of choices and decisions as plans and circumstances evolve over time. So identify your needs (not wants), prioritize them realistically, make a plan, and then go for it! Keep your physical expectations realistic. What physical expectations do you have for yourself? Then look for those in a partner. It is reasonable to expect that you will be most understanding of one another if you both: know you should diet but won’t, if you both agree not to smoke, drink, or do drugs, if both of you know you should exercise but won’t, etc. etc. Encourage each other to be the best you can be and work at it together as equals. Get Help. It’s not a magic pill, but there is something magical that happens when you talk things out in a safe, objective environment. Most people have had a few bad relationships. It is likely those negative experiences will influence your relationships over the years. Get some outside help. Angry, sad, or bitter people were not born that way—it’s learned behavior and can be changed with help. The sooner you deal with the demons of past relationships the sooner you will be able to attract and keep the partner who is right for you. An objective listener such as a Counselor, Life Coach, or Psychologist can help you understand what is getting in the way of you having the life you want. Listen to the opposite sex. Pay attention to honest comments from the opposite sex on the issues they struggle with. Eventually you will be able determine who is or is not worth getting acquainted with as a future partner. People usually give you all of the answers if you sit back quietly long enough to listen with an intelligent mind, not just an open heart. Often people hear the words but choose not to listen to the meaning because they want so badly to be in a relationship – right now – that they ignore the warning signs and jump in anyway. Don’t always be on “transmit” trying to impress, be on “receive” so you can truly hear the other person. Stop giving friends the “Partner” treatment. Marriage in this country has legal safeguards for both parties. A friend is just that—a friend. Until you become part of a legal commitment, some benefits should be withheld, including but not limited to: unlimited sex, financial support, living together that includes making all the meals, handyman services, cleaning up after others, having babies, or quitting your job to relocate with them. You know – the things that married people do for each other! The legal side of marriage is only a part of the long term relationship but nonetheless important. So get rid of that whole “it’s just a piece of paper” mentality before you find yourself with a friend of 20 years, no spousal privileges, no career …and two kids! Limit your consumption of media. With all of the just plain bad advice now easily available through all sorts of media, we are left with a web of confusion. Much of the information is unprofessional, absolute, and unverified. We are influenced to think and act in extreme terms: all or nothing – now or never, etc. We become what we consume and, unfortunately, the negative usually rubs off more than the good. If you want quality advice, go to a professional with some type of valid credentials in the field of human relationships – not a psychic! A FEW OBVIOUS PEOPLE TO AVOID Control Freak: Your date decides to "teach you to eat properly,” explaining that Americans hold forks and knives wrong. After showing you how to "correctly" use your silverware, he insists you change your way of eating from now on. Speed Sex: On the first date, all the guy talks about is the weird sex he'd had. Then, after singing an unsolicited sports chant, he says, “I’m hoping that, since we live near each other, we can get together for sex." She’s older, she’s exotic, she’s come on strong and you’re in bed already. Lights out, candles are lit, clothes off, game on. Wait ... why such a hurry? What is she hiding? Are you even safe with these people?!?!? Likes 'Em Young: Your blind date comments that you look "very young." Immediately followed by, "Don't worry, I really like young girls." Politely but quickly excuse yourself. Transmit Only: You’re talking about your new job, your date interrupts with an amusing story from his basketball practice. You’ve told your partner how much it hurts when he doesn’t introduce you to his friends and he responds with something like “Hey, I’ve already told you before: it’s no big deal”. Yeah, right. This is subtle domination: you don’t realize why, you just never feel heard. This person is concerned chiefly with his/her own interests, welfare, and needs. “It’s all about me.” Still a Child: At an amusement park for his birthday, your new boyfriend wins a huge bikini-clad stuffed penguin. When you suggest he give it to a kid, he refuses and carries it around with him all day. If the penguin gets his own seat in business class on the flight home, thank him for the interesting trip, say goodbye and cut your losses. Shady Business: Your girlfriend of a few months tells you she has been working as a waitress at the “Clam Hauler” restaurant for over a decade just for fun and an on-the-side job she won’t explain. Your suspicions should be up. If someone won’t clearly tell you how they support themselves, drop them. If you never meet his/her friends or family, be on guard something is not right. |
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